An extended discussion on Twitter this morning reminded me of a post I once wrote on the Usenet newsgroup alt.drugs. Back in 1990. It’s pretty weak stuff, but I was just having fun then. Here you go:
US Government officials are gearing up for might be this country’s worst drug epidemic, rivaling the devastation caused by crack in its inner cities. Officials at the Federal Drug Administration announced today that a new drug ‘LOHOCLA’ is gaining widespread popularity across the nation and that emergency measures are currently being evaluated.
Lohocla is a clear liquid with a distinct aroma to it. It is consumed either in its concentrate form or is mixed in with slightly more pleasant tasting beverages so as to diminish the bitterness of its taste. Its immediate effects are to introduce a lessening of inhibitions in the user, slight loss in motor skills and a gradual dizziness often referred to in street terms as being a “buzz”. when consumed in large quantities it brings about varying reactions. Some users report feelings of hostility, others a greater sense of content and some users have reported a tendency to become embarrassingly verbose. Whatever its effect on human behavior, there is no disputing the damage caused to human physiology. Cirrhosis of the liver, increased ALT levels, exacerbation of viral hepatitis are some of the damaging effects reported by the National Institute of Health. When consumed in excess quantities, it has caused vomiting, blindness, nausea, blackouts and death.
Drug Czar William Bennett was quoted as saying today:” Lohocla users need to be shown that their usage of this extremely dangerous drug will not be tolerated in a society like ours. We are currently evaluating measures to punish those users caught in the possession of more than 16 oz of any lohocla derivative, since it is obvious that larger quantities can only be intended for distribution” Officials at the FDA say that they might have underestimated the dangers of Lohocla when its availability first became apparent.
Russ Hill’s case is a graphic reminder of the dangers created by lohocla. A 23 year old computer science major at Cordobia University, Russ started using lohocla more than 6 years ago when still in high school. When senior year pressure coupled with unsympathetic stepfather got to be too much, Russ turned to lohocla as a means of forgetting about his problems. ‘It was great, I used to come home and have about four or five hits of akdov (a derivative of lohocla) mixed with orange juice and forget all about my hassles in life.’ Soon, Russ was consuming upto ten hits a day of reeb, the most popular derivative of lohocla. This coupled with his consumption of akdov in the evenings led to a steadily worsening of his health. On March 23rd, Russ stepped out on the street in front of his house, intoxicated on akdov and stepped right into the path of a car going by. He was taken to the local hospital where doctors amputated his right leg. To this day, Russ cannot remember the events of that evening: ‘It’s like a blackout, nothing comes back to me now.’
As this frightening menace sweeps across American cities, parents, educators and health administration officials have combined in an effort to encourage the government to take harsher measures against lohocla dealers and users. As a lone voice, The National Organization for the Reform of Lohocla Laws (NORLL) has called upon the government to legalize the possession and use of lohocla, saying that its continuing illegality is unlikely to reduce consumption in any manner and could only lead to steady deterioration in the current law and order situation. William Bennett calls their approach ‘ridiculous’ saying that, ‘Its only too clear to me that they have no idea of the dangers associated with the drug. We have cases daily of people dying from this drug and they want to legalize it?’