The Oregon Militiamen Need Several Magazines Of Caps In Their Asses

Hang on just a second, America. You thought you were done with the Native Americans? Done driving them off their lands, killing them off, infecting them with smallpox-ridden blankets, massacring them, breaking treaties, taking over ancient hunting and ceremonial grounds, mocking them with derogatory and offensive stereotypes? Not so fast. Much work remains to be done, and the brave Oregon militiamen who are gallantly battling the Bureau of Land Management and have taken over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge have much to teach you.

First off, roads need to be built, using bulldozers, right through archaeological sites that are of great historical, emotional, and symbolic value to a Native American nation–in this case, the Burns Paiute Tribe. Such infrastructural support is necessary to transport the truckloads of lubricant and dildo that have been shipped from all over the country, with great affection, to the militiamen–all the better for them to put the final touches on their frontier fantasies, wherein, you know, men are men, and get really friendly on long, lonely, cold nights. The road building–which will scrape several inches of the topmost layer of earth off the ground–will also ensure that damage will be done to land protected  by the Archaeological Resources Protection Act. (“More than 300 recorded prehistoric sites are scattered across the refuge, including burial grounds, ancient villages and petroglyphs.“) Remember, archaeological sites are the kinds of places where you see folks handling just about anything with kid gloves–like in those musty documentaries which show people on their hands and knees brushing dust off relics oh-so-carefully.

Second, six-thousand year old artifacts need to be rifled through by as many grubby paws as possible, all the while accompanied by faux expressions of concern and a desire to take care of them in cooperation with the Burns Paiute Tribe. (“Some of the artifacts — including spears, stone tools, woven baskets and beads — date back 9,800 years.“)

Tell you what, Oregon militiamen. Go home. Go home and take care of your business(es). And your families. This sideshow provided some cheap amusement at first, and allowed for the expression of some outrage at the double-standards so clearly on display in the kid-gloves treatment you received at the hands of the federal law enforcement authorities. In exposing those double-standards so clearly, you might even have performed a public service. So, like, thanks. Thanks too, for highlighting the injustice of mandatory sentencing minimums. You’ve made yourself into heroes for a certain demographic; you’ve ensured yourself invitations to the NRA’s Defenders of Liberty Luncheon and the Federalist Society‘s Breakfasts with Antonin Scalia. Who knows, some of you might even be invited on to guest blog at the Volokh Conspiracy.

But now, the show is over. Your addition to the never-ending abuse of Native Americans is not welcome and it is not funny. Your ersatz expressions of concern for their property, which you have already desecrated, and which you feel free to run your hands through, mark you as very particular bunch of dipshits. Pack up the guns, pick up any half-used tubes of lube, remove all dildos from bodily orifices, and fuck off right on back to where you came from.

2 comments on “The Oregon Militiamen Need Several Magazines Of Caps In Their Asses

  1. keithnoback says:

    I almost feel sorry for these guys. I’ve known many people with similar ideas – stories they told themselves to account for uncomfortable sentiments. Most of us have been guilty of that at one time or another – though not to the same extent. . Way, way not to the same extent.
    But my acquaintances could prioritize a little and weren’t the sort of peacock who felt it within their rights to start a war. What do you say to someone who’s willing, in the case of the Paiute, to tell another person what that person must want?

  2. […] I have noted on this blog before (here and here), America is not done with Native Americans yet. You might have imagined that banishment to […]

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