Top Ten Reasons America Needs Taco Trucks On Every Corner

Marco Gutierrez, founder of the group Latinos for Trump, ‘warned’ the United States about an impending disaster in an interview with Joy Reid on MSNBC on Thursday night:

My culture is a very dominant culture, and it’s imposing and it’s causing problems. If you don’t do something about it, you’re going to have taco trucks on every corner.

Mr. Guiterrez does not seem to have done his homework on this. Taco trucks on every corner are hardly a threat to America. Rather, they represent a golden opportunity for all kinds of invigoration of our increasingly moribund republic. Indeed, it is not too hard to think of several–to be precise, ten–reasons why they do. Without further ado, here they are. (The numbering of the list below does not indicate any prioritization of any kind; these reasons are equally important for the continued health and prosperity–in several dimensions–of great nation.)

10: Late-night revelers will wonder what old-timers are talking about when they speak of ‘hangovers;’ no drinker will go to bed hungry, an achievement every developed nation should be proud of.

9: Mongolian barbecue will never, ever, make a comeback. Unless the folks in the trucks start offering fusion specials.

8: As Spanish moves toward becoming the US’ first language, it is imperative American citizens acquire adequate proficiency in this language of our new colonizers; the unavoidable and indeed, almost obligatory, daily conversational encounter with taco vendors–who, we can be pretty sure, will not bother to learn English–will greatly facilitate this process. (Though our children will certainly never be able to appreciate the pleasures of asking, and receiving an answer to, that age-old question, “Donde puedo encontrar un camión de tacos?”)

7: America’s chronic constipation problem, which forces millions of young and old uptight Americans to force oversized bran muffins down their gullets every morning–washed down with a bitter brown water mysteriously referred to as ‘coffee’–will vanish overnight.

6: The irritating gluten-free craze, which has turned many of our friends and family members into aggravating proselytizers, will finally run out of steam; Americans will go back to eating, guilt-free, all the cake and bread and pizza they want, thus restoring America to its former glutinous greatness.

5: ‘Soft shell or hard shell?’ will soon morph to ‘soft or hard?’ thus providing endless entertainment for pre-teens, late-night talk-show hosts, and the occasional presidential candidate. (Sometimes bloggers too.)

4:  They’ve got your dietary disruption right here. And there. Come to think of it, everywhere.

3: Soccer fans will enjoy the opportunity to feast on tacos in lieu of corner kicks; players will appreciate the possibility of a quick chorizo or lengua taco special while they are writhing on the ground next to the corner flag.

2: Salsa will displace that abomination, ketchup, from grocery shelves; french fries will become American, thus obviating the need to forego them the next time France doesn’t sign on for a bombing campaign in the Middle East.

1: Remember the Alamo? Me neither. Bring on the taco trucks. I can’t be bothered to make dinner tonight.