The Worst Kind of Listener

The worst kind of listener isn’t the one that is patently distracted (by thumb-flashing smartphone interaction or some endless performative scrolling), cannot make eye contact, shows through their follow-up questions that they weren’t paying attention anyway, rolls their eyes, or indulges in several other variants of not-so-passive aggressiveness.

No, the worst kind of listener is the one who pretends to listen but actually doesn’t. For as you speak, this ‘listener’ emits little, squeaky, emissions of ‘uh-huh, yeah, right, sure’ as you talk, shifting and squirming as you speak as if ants were ascending their pants, and then, as you finish, launches right into their own story, the one that they have not so patiently been waiting to begin telling. You are told, in no uncertain terms that you have merely delayed their speaking. Your time is up; you must exit stage left and let the main act commence.

What makes this performance particularly noteworthy is that such a listener has both distracted you with their patent lack of attention while you speak, for their nodding and grunting is not a sign of comprehension, but rather, a marking of time, one that lets you know how much precious time of theirs you are taking up, and moreover, they have added insult to injury by making clear that nothing whatsoever in what you said has merited any kind of expression of acknowledgement, interest or follow-up.

This kind of listener is a true abomination. As you speak, and unavoidably are distracted by their performative inattention, you find the coherence in your speech fade, as you find yourself, whether you like it or not, speeding up, not so much to finish what you wanted to say, but rather to relieve yourself from having to pay attention to this insulting pantomime. Your thoughts and words, jumbled by irritation and distraction, are no longer worthy to be shared. You amble to the finish line, relieved you don’t have to speak any more. And then watch them hold forth.

Listening is an art; it requires performance, patience, and lots of it. It has an ethical component too; to behave as described above insults the speaker, rendering them minimal respect. If you recognize yourself–as a listener–in this description, it’s not too late to save yourself from the often-unexpressed resentment of your friends, companions, and sundry interlocutors. If you’ve borne the brunt of such behavior, it’s time to speak up in no uncertain terms. We all can do better, and we should.